Tag Archives: musings


Originally posted on Medium.

Trigger warning: Suicide.

It was a beautiful Friday morning. I had gone to a Creative Mornings talk at Seattle Center and was headed to the University of Washington to do some grading and hold office hours. I had a clever idea: instead of walking a mile to downtown Seattle and catching an express bus to the University District, I would walk a few blocks and catch a 32 that would take a more scenic route via Queen Anne and Fremont. It was a risky move, because the 32 came much less frequently, but I had plenty of time and was feeling adventurous.

I started walking. Although I was on a major road, there was very little traffic. I could only see two other pedestrians, both about a block ahead of me on either side of the road.

A loud crack shattered the quiet. Suddenly, a block or so ahead of me, there was a man lying in the road, less than 10 feet from one of the other pedestrians. He wasn’t moving.

I couldn’t figure out where he’d come from. Had he been hit by a car? If so, where had he been before that? Why hadn’t I seen him? He wasn’t moving. Was he ok?

I started walking towards him, to figure out what had just happened and whether or not I could help. The man near him pulled out his phone and called 911. The other pedestrian ran across the street to the prone body. A car pulled over and three people rushed out. One of them started to perform CPR and the other two assisted her.

As I got closer, I could see from across the street that CPR wasn’t going to change anything. I was faintly impressed that she was trying anyway.

Other cars started to pull over and block off the lane that the man was lying in. By the time I made it over, there was a crowd of 10-15 people assessing the situation. I could only hear snippets of what people were saying.

From the woman doing CPR: “No pulse…”

From the man on the phone: “He almost hit me!” (Had the man fallen? Or jumped?)

An ambulance pulled up and the crew jumped out. It was clear that I wasn’t going to be of any use. I left.

I ran into an elderly Asian woman, headed to the grocery store. She reminded me a bit of my grandmother. I told her that she didn’t want to walk down that street. She’d heard the noise, wanted to know if someone had been shot. I didn’t know what to say, so I just reiterated that she should take a different route. “You don’t want to see that.”

As I walked up to the bus stop, I pulled out my phone and texted a close friend. I still wasn’t sure what had actually happened, but I was starting to suspect that the man had committed suicide by jumping off a nearby structure.

(I later confirmed this by checking publicly available dispatch reports and local news articles. I don’t know why knowing mattered so much to me, but it did.)

Unsurprisingly, I missed my bus. Dazed, I got on a different bus headed towards downtown. The people around me were going about their lives, business as usual. It occurred to me that they probably had no idea that someone had just died less than half a mile away. That they would probably never find out. I didn’t know how handle the fact that these people would never care about something that had sent me reeling.

I couldn’t get the sound he made hitting the ground out of my head.

As much as I wanted to talk to someone, I was wary of upsetting people or grossing them out. I discussed it with a few close friends, handwaving away the details. I didn’t tell them about how neatly he was dressed or the way his body flopped as the woman from the car performed chest compressions or how I knew that he’d hit his head.

To one of my housemates, I simply said that I’d “had a weird day” and that I didn’t want to ruin his day with the details. To the other two, I said nothing.

The man died. I don’t know who he was or why he did it, but I know that he wasn’t there by accident. And even then, although it was a lost cause, people stopped and tried to help.

It seems like a weird takeaway, but it was an unexpectedly reassuring experience. The street had been empty save for myself and two other pedestrians. In the time it took me to walk a block and cross a 4-lane road, there were enough people trying to help that there was nothing for me to do, and city emergency response vehicles were only a few minutes behind them. I can only assume that people would react the same way if something bad happened to me.

So you want to write design principles

Originally posted on Medium.

You want to write some design principles? Cool.

You’ve never done this before? That’s ok. Going from zero to principles can be a little daunting, but you’ll be fine. You’ve got this. I’ll help.

Start with why.

What are these design principles for?

Maybe you’re trying to establish a guiding vision. Maybe you’re trying to get your team aligned. Maybe you just need to bring clarity to a confusing space. Figure out the point you’re trying to make, and back it up in your principles.

Is your audience internal or external? Do they have an established point of view? How technical are they? How much design experience do they have? Tailor your language to your audience. If everyone is coming from the same background as you, build on top of that shared knowledge. If not, make sure to explain any fundamentals that won’t be obvious.

It’s not about you.

Although you’ve been tasked with writing design principles, you aren’t responsible for generating them by yourself. Your job is to record insights, not to author them.

Build a team.

Start with the people you’ve already got — the people you work with most closely in this area. Aim for a mix of perspectives and experience levels. Get PMs and designers in the room, and make sure to include both junior and senior people.

Keep the size of the group manageable. You need to be able to have real conversations with one another, so stick to single digits.

Include stakeholders in the conversation. If other groups are affected by your work (or you’d like them to be), make sure to keep an open communication channel. You shouldn’t invite all of them to your discussions, but you can’t expect to throw principles over the wall with no preamble and have them follow everything blindly.

You’re the moderator.

Your most important job is to make sure that everyone’s voice is heard. You’ve got a group of people from all sorts of backgrounds. Some of them may report to other people in the room. They may come from entirely different teams, with all of the history that comes with that.

Your job is to create a space where those dynamics can be shelved, and everyone can speak up as an equal. Make it clear to any leads or managers in the room that they are there as individual contributors, not as leaders.

If someone isn’t speaking up, figure out why. Maybe they are just introverted. This isn’t a problem — being in the meeting is valuable for them, but they may not have much to say until hours or days later. Create a way that they can add their thoughts in their own time (for example, tell them explicitly that they can email you or talk to you one-on-one after meetings). Maybe they aren’t comfortable because of the other people in the room. This is a problem, one that you need to fix as quickly as possible. Some things that you can do to help:

  1. Be assertive. If your establish control over the flow of conversation, you can more effectively create space for other people to speak.
  2. Don’t let anyone interrupt or railroad other people. If you see someone failing to get their opinion in, pause the conversation and ask them to share their thoughts.
  3. Listen actively. When someone speaks, especially if they’ve been quiet, pay attention, and reiterate their points to them and the group. Put your opinions aside and focus on making sure you understand what they’re trying to communicate and not on whether or not you agree with them (other people will take care of that for you).
  4. Provide positive reinforcement. Figure out what’s useful about their comments, and call that out. For example, if someone says something controversial, it’s an interesting point that merits further discussion. If they say something obvious, it’s an important fundamental to keep in mind.
  5. Watch your body language. Make sure you’re redirecting your gaze periodically to look at everyone in the room, and be aware of your blind spots. Don’t just point your body at the most senior people in the room; show equal deference to the junior folks as well. If you’ve done a good job establishing yourself as moderator, everyone else will cue off of how you treat people. Use that wisely!

The first meeting lays the groundwork.

Your first meeting is crucial for setting the tone of the entire process. Luckily, everything that would normally make a meeting hard is valuable here!

Your job in this meeting is to figure out what all of the important topics are. This usually goes one of two ways: statements that everyone agrees with, and statements that cause a lot of tension.

Find what you disagree on.

An easy way to identify meaningful topics is to tell everyone to come to the first meeting with their 5 most important design principles written down. Be clear that they should work alone on this.

Once you’ve got everyone in the same room, have them write their principles on note cards or post-its. Take all of the cards from everyone, to separate ideas from people. You may need an individual to take ownership of a statement long enough to explain it, but focus on separating statements from the people who wrote them (and their relationships and reputations) as much as possible.

With the group steering, affinity diagram the principles that you’ve got. Statements that agree go together. Statements that disagree or have tension also go together. Let the room talk about each one, but keep it brief. If tensions aren’t resolved quickly, star that section of the map and table it for future discussion.

Reiterate to the room that these areas are valuable, because it means that this is a place where having a design principle is meaningful. Use neutral, nonjudgemental language (for example, I like to refer to things as “open questions”).

If any other interesting questions come up during discussion, write them down, ideally where everyone can see them.

A word about definitions.

Sometimes disagreements arise because everyone means something slightly different when they talk about the design space. If you notice this happening, or someone asks something like “what do we mean when we say ___?”, take some time to define confusing or controversial terms. I promise, it will make life easier.

Keep track of your disagreements.

Record all of the groups you ended up with in your affinity diagramming, and make sure that you know which areas had strong agreement (i.e. almost everyone wrote a principle about the area) and disagreement (two or more people had conflicting principles). This is your roadmap for all future discussions.

Answer your open questions.

Now all you have to do is get the group to resolve all of the disagreements you’ve highlighted. Piece of cake!

  1. All that moderation stuff you were doing earlier? Keep doing it.
  2. Tackle one issue at a time. While it can be hard to keep the group on track, staying focused on one issue at a time helps prevent drawn out conflicts and epic arguments. Write down anything insightful that comes up in tangential conversations as a future discussion point, and then reset the group.
  3. Tease out the fundamental question before struggling with answers. It’s easy to pick one side or the other based on the opinions that highlighted the disagreement, but it’s not useful.Figure out what the root of the tension is and resolve that. For example, if the disagreement is on whether or not touching in the middle of a block of text should highlight a word or move the cursor there, the real question may be “Is touch forediting existing content or creating new content?”
  4. If someone is having an epiphany, give them space to think. Don’t rush forward without them, and encourage the room to listen quietly while they sort out their thoughts. It may feel inefficient, but disrupting their train of thought before they get to an answer is a far bigger waste of time than pausing for a minute or two.
  5. Write down insights. If you’re doing a good job getting at the heart of your open questions, answering them will lead to important insights about the design space. These insights are what you’re trying to find, so when they come out you should immediately record them.

Now you can write your principles.

Good job! You’re finally in a place where drafting a set of principles makes sense. This can be something that you do alone or with your group. Go with what makes sense to you.

Remember your roadmap? Go back to it, and find all of the areas you noted before. Meaningful design principles will most likely come from the two areas we talked about before: strong agreement, and tensions that led to open questions.

Areas with strong agreement are probably so fundamental to the area that they warrant a principle, but if they’re obvious to your intended audience you may be able to get away with skipping them (even so, they can be valuable to reiterate). Write down drafts of however many principles this leads you to.

Once you’ve finished those, go through your list of open questions. Which ones had interesting answers? What insights did you identify along the way? Pull out everything meaningful, especially things that weren’t obvious, from here and draft principles around them.

Now you’ve got a list of draft design principles. High five! Put them in a rough prioritization order (don’t spend more than 5 minutes here) and share them with your group.

Design is iterative, and principles are too.

You’re not quite done (sorry). Get your group together and go through all of your principles. Does everyone agree with them as they are written? Does anything seem off about them? Is anything important being left out? Make sure that you’re still creating an environment where everyone feels safe voicing their concerns.

Keep rewriting them until the whole group feels good about every principle.

Once you’ve got internal agreement, share your principles with close partners and stakeholders. See how they interpret the principles you’ve written and what concerns or disagreements they have. This will show where you can improve your wording to be clearer, and highlights any mistaken assumptions you may have made about your audience’s understanding of the space.

It’s also possible that a thoughtful and well-informed partner will bring up something that your team has overlooked. Don’t panic! You know how to handle this. Get your group back together and tackle this new area until you’ve gotten it sorted.

You’re finally done!

Congratulations, you have a set of design principles! Use them well.

Seven months of Microsoft

This is a response to the open letter to PM recruiters that Ellen Chisa wrote, which is in turn a response to a tweet by Jon Bell.

I’ve been a PM at Microsoft for about 7 months now. In that time, I’ve gotten solicited by quite a few recruiters aiming to poach me. The interesting thing is that they don’t seem to care about my current job as anything more than a sign that I am, in fact, hireable. I’ve gotten comments on my UX background, and my essays, and my Github profile, and my philanthropic work, but not a single recruiter has asked me “So, what do you do at Microsoft?”

It’s a shame, because my experience is that Microsoft PMs do a lot of great things that would be valuable anywhere.

Caveat: These observations are based on my personal experience working in the Windows Shell. They cannot, and should not, be extended verbatim to every organization in the company. However, I believe they’re still a good representation of organizational culture at Microsoft.


In my day-to-day I work closely with 5 designers, 1 user researcher (soon to be 2), and 2 other PMs. My team, which is part of the Windows Shell, also works closely with our sister team on the Windows Core, so we regularly meet with 2-3 PMs from that team.

I’m involved in a cross-group initiative, which includes meeting weekly with PMs from half a dozen teams.

We’re also trying to help app teams do great things with our features, so my teammates and I have been reaching out to people from various app teams. We’re actively talking to about half a dozen of those too.

I also own a feature that spans multiple areas in Windows, which means working closely with PMs from at least two other Shell teams.

Not to mention daily interactions with the rest of my team – even though we’re focused on different areas, we regularly chat in the hall, eat lunch together, and find time to bounce ideas off of one another.

In a normal week, I’m working with upwards of 30 people. And we’re in planning right now, so I’m really only interacting with Design and PM. That number is only going to grow as we start working with Developers and Quality folks (formerly known as Testers).


I haven’t met a single person at Microsoft who isn’t willing to help others. Even when old conflicts resurface, individual people are willing to help individual people. Playing well together and teamwork are highly valued here, and it’s reflected in our new employee assessment format (which specifically calls out helping others get work done).

The most common sentiment expressed in our many cross-group collaborations is “Tell us what you need to be great, and we’ll see what we can do to help.”


PMs aren’t designers, but we work closely with them and we all care about great design. Furthermore, every PM I’ve worked with feels a responsibility to champion end users and deliver great experiences. People come to the company because it’s opportunity to touch hundreds of millions of people. We have to make hard decisions along the way and things don’t always work out the way we expected, but don’t doubt for a second that Microsoft employees don’t want to build things that make the world a better place.

Just about any idea you can imagine to make a product better, someone at the company is thinking about. Hopefully they’ll get to build it! But if they can’t, it’s because shipping a product to a billion people is hard. Maybe the onscreen keyboard doesn’t have as many cool accelerators as you’d like because someone spent the last release making it support Buginese (and several other languages that previously didn’t work with computers).


The engineering culture here is unquestionably data driven. User research, usability studies, flighting and telemetry, and competitive analysis are all part of day-to-day life. If you can’t back up what you’re saying, people aren’t going to take you seriously.

Product vision

It’s easy to assume that employees at such a massive company just show up and build what they’re told to build. I’m sure there are places where that is fairly accurate, but it’s far from true in my organization. We get direction from leadership, and we the areas we own are scoped, but PMs are given autonomy and expected to use it to think strategically.

At the end of the day, features have to add value. How will this feature appeal to people? How will it move product off the shelves? How does it affect our app ecosystem? Our device ecosystem?

The best PMs are the ones who pitch ideas with answers to those questions. Want to get a proposal through? Explain how what you’re working on helps grow the business.


At the end of the day, a PM’s job is to make things happen. It’s the primary thing that we’re assessed on. A good PM anywhere makes sure that the right thing ships, in the right condition, at the right time. Because so many people have to work in tandem, execution is rigorous. PMs have to deliver.

Welcome to the colorblind future

Originally posted on Medium.

A stranger stops my mother as she carries me across the UW campus.

“Did you get the baby from Korea?”

“No… I made it myself.”

When my mother picks me up from daycare, the other kids tell me that I’m adopted. I try to argue with them, but they won’t listen to me.

My sixth grade classmates switch to Chinese whenever I walk near them. I know that they speak English more fluently; this is just to drive the point home.

Although he was born and raised in the Chicago suburbs, my father started school without knowing a word of English. Scarred by years of intense bullying, he never taught me Cantonese. 11 years old and desperate to fit in, I’m oblivious to the irony of resenting him for it.

“Mixed children are always the most beautiful.”

I’m not sure why my guidance counselor is telling me this, or what it has to do with approving my class schedule.

My mother and I are in line at the grocery store, stealing some time together while I’m home from college. The Asian woman behind us accosts my mother, offended that she is wearing Chinese jade. My mother explains that it was a gift from my grandmother, a family heirloom. The woman doesn’t seem to care.

I’m on vacation with my family, enjoying a brief respite from grad school. The clerk at the ice cream shop tries to take my father’s order with the Asian 20-somethings standing next us, skipping past me, my mother, and my brother.

Eventually she realizes her mistake and blushes.

She doesn’t apologize.

10 songs from 2013

I had so much fun making last year’s list that I decided to do it again! These are, in no particular order, some of my favorite picks from 2013. Title links go to YouTube.


Gone Too Long – Churchill (The War Within EP)
The War Within is by far my favorite EP of the year, and choosing just one song from it was very hard. This song is catchy, emotive, slightly gritty, and completely addictive. Change, from the same EP, was a close runner-up (if nothing else, the music video is great).

The Habit – Lissie (Back to Forever)
Lissie is phenomenally talented, and if you ever get the opportunity to see her live you should take it. Other standouts on the album include Shameless and Further Away (Romane Police). If Back to Forever is a little too folk for you check out Morgan Page’s collaborations with Lissie (The Longest Road, several tracks on Believe). Or just check out one of her amazing covers – she’s well known for her Pursuit of Happiness cover, and she recently debuted an equally strong cover of Hold On, We’re Going Home.

Indie *

Twenty Seven – MS MR (Secondhand Rapture)
I like to imagine that MS MR is what you would get if Florence and the Machine reincarnated as a slightly chiller, slightly more electronica artist. It’s dark, atmospheric music perfect for when you’re feeling slightly moody.

How – The Neighbourhood (I Love You.)
Sweater Weather is apparently the cool (i.e. charting) song from I Love You., but How is a strong track that does a great job setting the tone for the album. It’s one of my favorite rainy day albums, and I get a lot of mileage out of it here in Seattle.

Doubt – Kitten (Like a Stranger EP)
Watching Kitten mature across EPs is fascinating. Their latest offering shows a clear 80s influence, and feels significantly more electronica than their first EP. I wasn’t in love with Like a Stranger, but both the titular track and Doubt are worth a listen (and boy can Chloe Chaidez sing live).

Little Space – The Limousines (Hush)
The Limousines round out my “moody indie music” kick this year. Hush is a little edgier than my usual fare, and the album art weirds me out a bit (although not nearly as much as Get Sharp), but it’s definitely worth a listen.


Broken Bones – CHVRCHES (The Bones of What You Believe)
The Bones of What You Believe is unquestionably the best album I’ve heard all year. Broken Bones is a bonus track, so maybe it doesn’t count, but it’s also fantastic. The lyrics are creepy and sinister enough that I mentally consider it part of the Hunger Games soundtrack.

Human – Krewella (Get Wet)
Krewella might be everything I always wanted Ke$ha to be, with a little extra wubwubwub (to use the technical term). Human departs from the party-it-up mentality of the rest of Get Wet and goes for something slightly more substantial. As an added bonus, they actually can sing, as proven by their stripped down acoustic performance of Alive.


Hold On – Icona Pop (THIS IS… ICONA POP)
Icona Pop embody cheerful summer music, and it’s a bummer that they had to bow out of Bumbershoot this year. The entire album is fun and upbeat, and Hold On stands out for its marginally more serious tone.

Brave – Sara Bareilles (The Blessed Unrest)
Inspired by a friend’s struggle to come out of the closet, Brave is an enthusiastic, inspiring anthem whose message can be applied to an awful lot of life’s challenges. Every time you’re having trouble speaking up just play this track and pretend that Sara Bareilles is your own personal cheering squad.

But what about Lorde?

I know, I know. How could I make a top songs of 2013 list without including Lorde?

I didn’t like Pure Heroine nearly as much as her Love Club EP (which includes Royals), but she posted that to her SoundCloud in late 2012. So all of my top picks for her (Royals, Bravado, Million Dollar Bills) don’t actually qualify.

Now you know.

Aftermath: Talking about depression

About a month and a half ago, I posted an essay about my experiences with depression. A surprising number of people read it (more than five times as many as my next most popular essay). Nobody left a comment on the actual essay, and very few people responded to the Facebook and Twitter posts I made to share it.

However, a significant number of people have contacted me directly. I’ve received Twitter DMs and Facebook messages, had lengthy IM and face-to-face conversations, and even gotten snail mail about it. I’ve drawn a few conclusions from this:

  1. A surprising number of people are affected by depression. I never would have guessed that any of the people who reached out to me had also dealt with depression. I also talked to several people who had never personally been depressed, but had watched helplessly as their friends dealt with similar problems.
  2. Nobody wants to talk about it publicly. Many of the people who contacted me said things like “thank you for writing this” and “you’re brave for sharing this”. A lot of the people I talked to had (legitimate) fears that they would be penalized, socially or professionally, for discussing their experiences with depression in the open (I assume it only gets worse for other mental health problems). It’s really unfortunate that this is the case, and I’ve been pondering how we can create safe ways for people to share their perspective.
  3. My network is more supportive than I expected. The fact that people reached out to me to say that my post resonated with them was great. The fact that people reached out to me to say that they had never been depressed and were grateful that I had shared my perspective was amazing. I knew that I had good friends, but I was genuinely surprised by my friends who talked to me with the intention of learning how to better support their friends. I don’t know how well this generalizes to other social circles, but my working hypothesis is that if you’re having a tough time, your friends care and want to help you.

In short, talking about depression matters. I’m not entirely sure where to go with it, but it’s clearly important. If you have thoughts or ideas, I’d love to hear them!

Talking about depression

Allie Brosh recently updated Hyperbole and a Half with the most poignant description of depression that I’ve ever read. If you’ve never dealt with depression, go read it.*

She highlights a lot of really important parts of depression that many people don’t really understand, putting words to an experience that’s incredibly difficult to describe (especially when you’re in the middle of it). Her post resonated with me because I’ve never had a good framework for describing my own experiences with depression.

I sank into a bout of depression at the end of my senior year of college**. I graduated without a job or a plan, surrounded by friends who had already lined up spots at companies like Microsoft and Google. I moved home and sat on the couch for a few months. Then I moved to Seattle and sat on a different couch. I mostly did nothing. Although I was bored, lonely, and frustrated, I couldn’t muster the energy needed to deal with other people.

Friends encouraged me to look for a job, not realizing that looking at job postings triggered massive panic attacks. I was too inexperienced, I was terrible at interviewing, nobody would want to work with me, I had no explanation for my unemployment – these all seemed like insurmountable problems to me. While I never completely lost hope that the future would be better, I had no idea how to get there. All I wanted was to fast-forward through my life and skip to the part where all my problems were solved. Thoughts of suicide never came up, but I frequently wished that I would get hit by a car so that I could just stay in the hospital and wait for things to get better. In a way, I think I wanted the state of my body to reflect the state of my mind so that all of me could heal at the same speed.

Nobody really knew what was wrong with me. My friends knew that there was something wrong, but couldn’t figure out what to do to fix it. My parents worried from afar, but didn’t know the extent of my problems. I certainly had no idea what was going on, attributing my unhappiness to my unemployment and lack of direction (it wasn’t until much later that I figured out that these were symptoms, not causes).

After about 10 months, the fog started to lift. It just took was some waiting; my depression was more like a broken bone than a chronic illness. I was incredibly lucky that all I needed was time, and that I could afford it, supported by friends and family who stuck with me and helped me keep going (no matter how difficult I was to be around***). Re-energized, I got my life back on track. In less than a year I was doing quite well: I helped start the Seattle Awesome Foundation, entered graduate school, got a job as a TA, and joined the Global Shapers in quick succession. More importantly, I rediscovered my drive, ambition, and ability to really care about things.

I recently told a new friend this story and she responded that she never would have guessed, that I seemed so happy and successful that she never would have imagined that I had been so low only two years ago. You can’t look at me and see my history. I don’t have any scars from my depression. That’s why it’s so important to me to talk about it: knowing this story will change your perception of me, and I hope it will change your perception of depression as well.

I’m not ashamed of my experiences with depression, and I don’t think that anyone else should be ashamed of theirs either. I mostly wish that someone had talked to me while I was going through it. My biggest fear was that there was no way out and I was going to be trapped in that state forever. Seeing that this was a temporary obstacle, and being shown that I could get through it and still live the kind of life I wanted to have, would have done so much for me. While I’m positive that I would have outwardly rejected it and explained that this was a nice story that couldn’t possibly apply to me, I think that deep down it would have planted a few seeds of hope.

I can only hope that telling my story will make it easier for someone else – maybe by giving them a way to talk about their own experiences, or getting them to ask for help, or encouraging them to stick with a friend who’s struggling, or helping them keep up the search for the light at the end of their own tunnel.

* If you have experienced depression, do what you want. You may find it comforting to read or it may be triggering (primarily the description of suicidal ideation) or it may be neither here nor there for you. I found it incredibly relatable, but we all have unique experiences and perspectives.

** For those of you dying of curiosity: The short story is that I got in over my head trying to help a friend and ran myself into the ground. The long story involves other peoples’ personal information, which means I’m not about to broadcast it to the world.

*** And I was quite difficult to be around, oscillating between clingy, emotionally unresponsive, and relatively normal. I’m incredibly grateful to have these people in my life.

Snapshot: college, being a transitioner, and doing things that matter

I originally wrote this in November of 2010, about 6 months after I graduated from college. This is probably the most clearly I’ve ever been able to articulate what college meant to me. It’s also interesting to me to see how much I cared about doing “things that matter” at the time. I forget all too easily that my desire to make a difference didn’t start when I joined the Global Shapers or the Awesome Foundation. Although I haven’t found a singular driving passion that compares to Olin, I like to think that I’m doing pretty well so far.

Ellen and I talked about personal changes that she’s noticed post-Olin. The biggest one that stood out to both of us was that even though she likes her job, she’s not excited. It isn’t that she’s not jazzed about what she’s working on (most of the time, anyway), but that she isn’t passionate about it in quite the right way. After all, there is a whole grown up world concept of liking your job and finding your passion and such, but it’s still very different from what we experienced in college.

So we talked about how we feel now, and how we felt in college. Namely, we were obsessed with Olin. I don’t think it was in a bad way at all, because I believe that what we did at Olin was both meaningful and life changing. However, the fact of the matter is that we really were obsessed. We may not have talked about it constantly, but it came up very frequently. We thought about it all the time. And more importantly, we prioritized it above other things. I was a little more balanced, in that I never really had to think about whether or not I would prioritize Olin above classes. I went through school with a “everything gets done” mentality, and I actually was able to get everything done. However, for people like Jeff and Ellen there was no question about it at all: Olin was their priority. If it came down to doing something for class or doing something for Olin they would choose Olin. That’s just the way it was for them.

We were all extremely dedicated. And it wasn’t because we felt some external obligation, like we owed the school for our free tuition (at least not directly). We genuinely cared. No matter how tired, stressed out, frustrated, happy, or anything else we felt, we could be engaged in a discussion about Olin. We could switch from “I’m exhausted and going to bed right now” mode to “it’s 3:00am already and we’ve barely gotten started on this” mode in the space of a few minutes. For us it was a powerful emotional reaction, because we cared deeply about the issues we were discussing. Most of all we felt frustrated about the (many) parts of Olin that weren’t working the way we felt they should and excited whenever any of the parts did work the way we felt they should.

The thing is, since graduating neither of us (Ellen and myself, that is) has found something like that. Not even close. And Ellen came to grips with this today while trying to figure out exactly why she was feeling frustrated. She realized that what she’s working on, while cool, isn’t going to Change The World. This is a big demotivator because we’re the kind of people who want to have real impact. We don’t act very alike, but we share the same desire to matter. Working on issues at Olin made us feel like we mattered, because we could directly affect how things ran and what happened and who heard about our school and what their impressions of us were. Even better, we felt deeply connected to a mission that we thought was important and meaningful. To be able to say that we have done something to affect engineering education in the US, let alone the world, is a big deal. It feels like we’ve been able to contribute something of value to humanity, even if our part in it was comparably small (give us time; we’re only 22).

The problem is, once you leave Olin you have to let it belong to the people who are still there. It isn’t ours anymore because we’ve graduated, and we have to take our hands off it and let the new freshmen fill that space. It’s only what’s fair and right, since we’re not on campus any longer and don’t have a good handle on what’s happening there. But it does leave us with a gaping hole to fill, and a sort of cliche search for meaning.

To address this problem, we’ve decided to find our own meaning. We’re moving on to something else, because the choice is to find a new passion or to stop having one altogether. And while being part of Olin felt like having an impact, it’s pretty small compared to what we will be capable of. So we’re going to figure out exactly what we want to focus on, and we’re going to do something about it. We’ll pick a big ticket issue, something that really matters in the world, and we’ll educate ourselves on it, and then we’ll devise a plan for being part of the solution. It will take a long time. It will be hard. But if our experience transitioning from the always-on culture at Olin to the so-called real world is any indication, it will be entirely worth it.

10 songs from 2012

Inspired by Go Periscope’s Top 10 Songs of 2012 and a subsequent conversation with my housemate, Jeff, I put together my own top 10 songs of 2012*. I’ve grouped them loosely by genre, and they’re in no particular order. Title links go to YouTube.


Carousel – Go Periscope (Wasted Youth)
I dig the drops on this one – it’s a little bassier than Go Periscope’s usual fare without going full dubstep. It’s by far my favorite track from Wasted Youth, which I’ve enjoyed but am not crazy about.

Somewhere to Hide – Shiny Toy Guns (III)
Bringing back Carah Faye Charnow has done wonders for Shiny Toy Guns – a lot of III is kind of weird and it took me a few listens to enjoy it, but it’s much stronger than Season of Poison. Somewhere to Hide opens the album, taking cues from the best parts of both We Are Pilots and Season of Poison.

Riot – Dragonette (Bodyparts)
Dragonette is really hit or miss for me. I didn’t particularly like most of Bodyparts, but Riot is fun, poppy, and not so vapid that I grind my teeth listening to it.


All That Matters (The Beautiful Life) – Ke$ha (Warrior)
Pure guilty pleasure. I have no defense or justification, but I really enjoyed Warrior. Runners up from the album include Die Young and Crazy Kids (mainly for the chorus).

Superhuman – Sarah Solovay (Superhuman EP)
Technically, this song came out in 2011, but the EP wasn’t released until 2012. Sarah Solovay is a young, talented singer-songwriter from New York who’s doing what she can to save the “girl with a guitar” genre from manufactured stars like Taylor Swift.


Shock – Ana Tijoux (La Bala)
Another “but the album dropped in 2012″. It’s got a catchy beat, Tijoux has a good flow (and can sing, as those who saw her at Bumbershoot can confirm), and it’s probably the only song in the list that would pass a “meaningful lyrics” radar (it’s a political rant in support of the Chilean student protests). I don’t like all of La Bala, but Sacar La Voz, La Bala, and Desclasificado are standouts as well.

Eighteen Cool – Hoodie Allen (All American)
Who doesn’t love youthful enthusiasm with a hint of schadenfreude? All American is fun, catchy rap that’s heavy on melody and light on misogyny.

I Told You So – Karmin (Hello)
The lyrics are only semi-sensical. Karmin does a lot better with pop-rap fusion than full-on ballads, and this is a great example of the former.


Speed the Collapse – Metric (Synthetica)
I’m still not entirely sure what this song is about, but it’s dark, edgy, and fairly melodic. Or maybe I just like that she’s not singing in a falsetto the whole song.

G# – Kitten (Cut It Out EP)
I really like this EP, and this particular song always gets me. 17 year old lead singer Chloe Chaidez is already being lauded as the new “it girl” of Los Angeles rock, for good reason. Cut It Out is a close-but-not-too-close runner up. The band’s first EP, Sunday School, has some great tracks as well (particularly Kill the Light and Chinatown).

* Admittedly, I spent most of 2012 listening to songs from 2010 and 2011